Benaddict HolmesI Can Do It With A Broken Heart — Chapter 3: Speak Now
To the public eye, Misa Amane was having the time of her life. On stage with her sequined bodysuit reflecting the lights like they were stars, and the crowds chanting her name and screaming themselves hoarse. What more could Japan's favorite pop star want? Clearly, she was coping with the death of her boyfriend quite well, by drowning herself in work. Then why is L so determined to see for himself whether she is okay?
Back on stage, Misa’s vocal range was truly unparalleled as she hit the high notes effortlessly and flowed through the husky lower notes with ease. This was her favorite song from the entire tour and captured the feeling of love at first sight in a stunning way. Though she had written it long before she met Light, her heart had always been set on a vision wherein she met her prince charming and fell head over heels in love at the very first glance. Though she no longer remembered how they had first met, being with Light had given her that very glow every single day. It still did, on the days that she felt particularly indulgent and convinced herself that of course, Light had loved her just as deeply. Holding on to the sudden warmth in her heart, she hit the chorus, ending in a perfect falsetto and eventually troughing down to her normal voice, this time a low whisper about not wanting the object of her affection to be in love with someone else. The night was sparkling; the glowing wristbands in the audience a mesmerizing purple color. She wiped a tear from her eye again, suddenly overcome how beautiful it all looked. Honestly, what was with her and the waterworks tonight? The crowd applauded her performance with all their might; clearly her favorite was a fan favorite as well. Her answering smile was brittle, but she managed to hold the mic tightly in her shaking hands and whisper a quiet thank you into it as the opening notes of the next song drifted into the auditorium. Back in the corridor, L stood up abruptly, his gaze fixed on the idol on the stage. It had been a bit too much to listen to her sing about Light so beautifully even though the boy had barely deserved it. He wondered how Misa would react if she knew Light had only kept her around because of her Eyes. His thumb made its way to his mouth again. Surely, she had to have known how skin-deep Light’s feelings had been? Or was she still in denial about the whole thing? Trying not to think about how difficult this would make their inevitable heart-baring conversation, he ran a hand over his face and looked back to the stage. The slight elevation on the center stage had risen by a foot and half for this performance. Bathed in a purple halo, Misa looked ethereal. Flanked by four guitarists on each side, she alternated between smiling at them from time to time and waving to the audience. It was heartbreaking really, how she made efforts to make each and every person feel seen whereas the only person who had offered her the same courtesy was hiding in the wings like a coward. Putting this depressing thought away, he focused instead on the stage where the twinkling lights had now turned golden like a few million fireflies. The setting was perfect for another love song, yet this one caught him by surprise. The lyrics spoke about leaving behind a legacy for future generations or rather, outliving one’s own legacy; Misa’s voice trembled when she spoke about the audience telling their future children about her- and he got it instantly. He thought about her name and how it had become not just a household name but also a well-respected one across Japan, and how it would continue to remain so for decades. With a jolt he realized that people would even name their own children after her. It was humbling to say the least, that one person could affect the lives of so many by pouring their soul into their art. He thought about his own name L Lawliet, reduced to a single letter for safety’s sake and how no one in the world knew his name. In that moment, it was easy to feel a bit lonely. She was singing about children that had not even been born yet, whereas he had never even considered a future that far. It’s in that moment that he realized that Death Note or not, Misa Amane would never die because her music would keep her alive far beyond her mortal years. On the stage, Misa ended the song with a hand over her heart, smiling from ear to ear as the lights faded out. Had she thought of this too? Is that why she put so much effort into her work, or was it simply a coping mechanism for the devastating losses life had dealt her? With these thoughts in mind, he walked to her dressing room door and waited, leaning against the wall in front of it. The door opened and Misa walked out in an oversized black hoodie and a pair of baggy jeans. Her hair was pulled in a ponytail, and her face was pink from being scrubbed raw. She did a double take when she saw him waiting. “You’re here?” she asked incredulously. “I told you I would be,” he said, shrugging. She stared at him and he stared back, not quite sure where to go from there. The moment was broken by a 3-foot-tall running figure barreling into Misa’s knees, with an excited babble, followed by a harried-looking Matsuda. “Misa-san I’m so sorry! Yukiko just ran before I could- Oh! Ryuzaki! You’re here too!” He stepped forward and his feet promptly got entangled in Yukiko’s long purple miniature gown. Stumbling, he righted himself by grabbing the wall. “It was so generous of you to arrange tickets for us, Misa-san, I can’t tell you how excited Yuki-chan was for this evening! Her mummy really wanted to be here too, but she’s been advised to rest by the doctor, Yuki-chan’s going to be a big sister any time now, you see!” he rambled excitedly, trying to untangle Yukiko from Misa unsuccessfully. Misa crouched down and picked Yukiko up effortlessly and hitched her on her hip. “Did Yuki-chan enjoy the show tonight?” “YES!” yelled the girl. “I’m so glad! How would you like a little treat, a keepsake from the tour?” asked Misa, digging in her pocket and procuring a rainbow-colored guitar pick. “Misa-san that’s not necessary,” began Matsuda but Misa shushed him. “Of course it’s necessary, Matsuda-san, Yuki-chan will never forget how much fun she had tonight, will she?” “Thank you, Misa-Misa!” said the toddler in between kisses that she was now planting on Misa’s face. “Yuki-chan!” gasped Matsuda, mortified, and took the unwilling toddler back into his arms. “I am so sorry, Misa-san” he said, shaking his head, while Misa waved off his apologies with a smile. Yukiko, however, was now staring at L, seemingly fascinated. “Are you Misa-Misa’s friend?” she asked slowly. “Yes, I am Misa-san’s friend,” he replied, crouching down to her level. Yukiko opened her mouth for more questions, but Matsuda ushered her away with apologies to the both of them, mentioning that it was getting late and he’d better take his daughter home. The corridor was silent again, but it felt less oppressive this time. “Watari is waiting,” he gestured towards the exit. Misa followed him quietly, hitching her purse on one shoulder. The silence followed them through the car ride and neither of them knew how to break it. Misa stared out of the window, unprepared for what would come next. After weeks of trying to reach Ryuzaki, it felt unbelievable that he was sitting next to her, willing to give her the answers she sought so desperately. She turned to look at him only to find him leaning back with his eyes closed, apparently asleep. “I’m not asleep, my eyes are just feeling strained by the lights,” he said, as if reading her mind. She nodded before remembering that he couldn’t see, and settled into the seat, slowly drifting off herself. After what felt like less than five minutes, L shook her awake with a hand on her shoulder. Yawning, she stepped out of the car and checked her watch, startled to find that she had slept off for nearly an hour. The sight of the towering Task Force HQ made her heart thump in her chest uncomfortably. Anticipating this very reaction, Watari smiled kindly at her before placing a hand at the small of her back and leading her ahead gently. Trying not to think about what happened the last time she was here, she walked on, stopping only at L’s front door. Willing her pounding heart to calm down, she took one deep breath and opened the door. The apartment looked nothing like she remembered. Wondering if Watari was responsible for making the threadbare place seem more homely, she took a seat on the large beige sofa in front of the TV. Either way, she was grateful to not step into the same environment of her captivity. L took a seat at the other end and folded his legs, leaning back to get comfortable. “Ryuzaki, I don’t know where to begin. I barely remember anything from the last few months, I don’t even know how I met Light or you. I think I was here a lot, to help with the Kira investigation, though I am not even sure how I helped. All I remember with haunting clarity is Light waking up in the middle of the night feeling uneasy, I went to get him a glass of water and by the time I came back he was thrashing and sweating, and then he, then he-” She dissolved into tears at this, unable to continue. “It would be helpful if you could start at the beginning and tell me what you do remember. I can fill in the gaps,” said L, summoning his last ounce of courage for what was sure to be a heavy conversation. “So, there are gaps,” gasped Misa, “I thought I was going mad, Ryuzaki, there’s so much I don’t understand, please, please, you have to help me.” When L nodded his agreement, she began to recount all that she remembered, beginning from the first time she heard about Kira. She talked about how she had felt initially that Kira was doing some good in the world, a belief consolidated when her parents’ murderer was punished. How this belief had been unshakeable even though Light had been actively working to find Kira. She had gone along with it for his sake but never stopped believing in Kira, until innocents had started getting targeted, the ones whose names she had known only because she had been at the Task Force HQ. She remembered the Yotsuba group, and how excited she had been to help out in whatever capacity she could. And then, she had managed to get a confession out of Higuchi, but he had died mysteriously, presumably murdered by Kira, before any evidence could be brought to light. Here she choked up again, as Kira’s next victim had been Light himself, who had suffered from a massive cardiac arrest in his sleep two days later. Wondering where to start, L took a deep breath before deciding to start at the very beginning. “Misa, have you ever heard about Shinigami?” Fifteen minutes later, he had told her about Ryuk, Rem, the Death Note, and covered everything of importance except for the identity of the two Kiras, which he did not know how to disclose without having her break apart in front of him again. “How did I come into the picture?” asked Misa, slightly more composed. “You approached us because you wanted to help, and we needed all the information we could get,” said L, closing his eyes and wondering how to proceed without disclosing what he had withheld from her. “So Light was murdered by Kira? The last victim of the Death Note because there hasn’t been anything on the news since then,” questioned Misa, eyes narrowed in suspicion, sensing that he was still lying by omission. “No, Light was not murdered by Kira, though there were no more attacks after his passing,” said L softly, willing her to put two and two together, not wanting to spell out this painful truth. “But then, why would Kira stop, unless…unless..” Her eyes were as wide as saucers now, her hand over her mouth as she struggled to grasp the terrible thought that had surfaced in her mind. She looked at him and a strangled cry escaped her as his expression confirmed what she had been thinking. Her head sank into her hands as silent sobs wracked her body. “Who killed him then?” she asked in between hiccups when she had composed herself enough to speak. “Rem did. She admitted that Light had her cornered and she was convinced he would harm you unless she did as he said. To eliminate the probability of you spending your entire life watching over your shoulder, she decided to eliminate Light instead; she did this to protect you, because-” “Because the second Kira is me,” she whispered. The air left the room. L stared at her, astounded. The moment was broken when Watari stepped in with a huge tray of food on a trolley. Sweet and savory snacks placed on delicate plates, a massive teapot, and cups, and two bottles of water precariously balanced as he wheeled in the trolley and stopped directly in front of Misa who stared as if not quite able to believe her eyes. “Misa-san. You’ve had an exhausting evening, and this conversation cannot proceed without sustenance. Eat. I’ll make sure you do not have to leave the HQ with any more questions troubling you. But for now, please eat, you will feel better,” said Watari firmly with a warning look at L who shrugged. Misa nodded before reaching out for a sandwich and tearing into it voraciously. L ran a hand through his hair and continued. “You were the one who found Light and convinced him to let you work with him. You were useful to him because of your Shinigami eyes. When he regained his lost memories, he cornered Rem and convinced her to kill me and Watari so your path would remain unobstructed. Rem instead chose to eliminate Light, knowing that he would harm you the moment you stopped being useful to him,” he explained. “Why do I not remember any of this?” asked Misa, still trying to wrap her head around this complicated explanation. “Rem had you renounce the ownership of your Death Note to shield you from any more pain, so you lost all your memories related to the note. No doubt that also took away some crucial memories like how you met Light in the first place. She knew Light would never let you live once he found out you no longer had the eyes-” He stopped here because Misa let out an anguished gasp and started crying again. This time it was Watari who stepped in, covering Misa’s hands with his own large ones. “Amane-san, you have been through a truly difficult time in the last few months. The truths that have been revealed to you tonight are not easy to digest. I would strongly urge you to rest before putting yourself through any more pain, please. The guest bedroom is ready, you are exhausted. I’ll drop you home in the morning. Ryuzaki, please do not cause any more distress to Misa-san, she deserves to know everything but not in such a painful way,” he said firmly, standing up and helping Misa up. She walked behind Watari, turning back just once to look at L who remained where he was, staring at her in the same racoon-like way, as if flummoxed about what to do next.
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